Struggling

I haven't been the best Lindsey the last week and a half. I haven't gotten much sleep...not much at all in fact. A week ago I started dropping down on another medication and in 15 days I will be off of it completely. Then I shall have only one more to go.

I would never have thought that this particular battle would be mine. Never would have guessed that waiting to try for another child would be based on when I would be off medication for postpartum, but there you have it and I have to deal with it someway or another. Sometimes less dealing and more crying....sometimes screaming at the world that it shouldn't have to be this hard. But seriously, what does the world care? I have one child it says, why should I be selfish and try for another one? Why should I even think of doing it again when I know what COULD happen? Why would I want to do that to myself and family again? Why are you so selfish Lindsey?

Perhaps this isn't the world speaking, but my own personal demons. Perhaps I worry what other people think or say about it. Perhaps I am just plain, out and out terrified. I can't pretend that I am not anymore. My heart hurts, my anxiety builds and I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I yearn for another child, I yearn to give Elliott a sibling and friend. It is a strong desire of my heart. However, at the thought of it, my pulse starts picking up and my palms start sweating. It seems silly to those who may have not gone through it, but to me it is very real fear. Words can never ever describe the hell of postpartum. Mine was pretty severe, so perhaps its not always so bad.
What I am struggling with right now is telling myself that I can do this. That I am strong enough and that wanting another child does not make me stupid or selfish. How funny it is when we learn that we are our worst enemy.

2011 and the Rounce Family

Last year our family started a new year's tradition. Usually one of the early Mondays of January we do a special Family Home Evening where we come up with our Family Motto, Scripture and Song for the year. These are done to help us grow together as a family and to focus our thoughts on the Savior. Along with those, we do individual goals and family goals and frame them on the wall to remind us every day of them. I love doing this, it helps that I'm a born list maker, but I also love having united goals as a family. We don't always live up to them, but we sure do try.

Anyway, I was thinking of what songs and what kind of theme we wanted this year and Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror came on the radio and I just knew! Now this song is one of my all time favorites so I already knew the lyrics and the meaning behind them. Our family is really big on service and trying to "make the world a better place." After all, I do have a degree in social work. But sometimes...well most of the time, we cannot change other people or what they do. However, what we can do is change and work on ourselves. There are always ways we can improve and strive for more. More for our families, wards, communities, and even more for the world. Everyday we can make better decisions, we can become better people which in turn will benefit others. It is vitally important to me that my children grow up very aware of other people and that we are here to serve. That not everybody has the things we do or the opportunities. I want my children to be good people. One of my worst nightmares is of my children being bullies. I won't have it. Whew....okay...after that rant..back to the purpose.
This song means that to me and I hope it will help inspire my family.

So here is a video of it. Warning, it may hard to watch.




And just for fun...some wicked Whitney Houston. Gotta love the 80's...and the clothes :)





What old songs just make you smile?

As promised....well sort of

I spoke of updating my blog on facebook and I am now here to make good on that statement. However, I am missing one crucial element...photos. Somehow I cannot make them work on my laptop. Which is very sad, since I happen to have a very beautiful family:) So for now you will have to get along just with my babblings and musings.

Life has gone on since my last post, as it is apt to do. Christmas has come and gone. It was hectic, beautiful, and precious. As a parent, it has come to mean so much more. I've decided that I need to try harder each year to make it special in many ways. I will bring Santa into my children's lives because I believe it is magical and not lying if you don't make it the most important thing. However, what troubles me is the importance of helping them to understand about the little baby who changed our world, our lives and our very souls. I hope that I am up to the task, I hope that I can convey my love for the Savior to them in a way that will create a flame of love and desire to grow closer to Him. Perhaps I over think things...

On a completely different note, I have been thinking about soldiers lately. About their sacrifice, about their lives and courage. At times it can make me cry with gratefulness. I am not entirely sure where these bursts of thought and love are coming from, but either way I am acknowledging them as something meaningful.
I have to honestly say I don't know if I have the courage to be a soldier. People who know me well know that I do not do well with pain and suffering...not my own, but watching others. It physically hurts me and I become so upset because I can't do anything to help. I could probably die of pain from that alone. I live in a great country, I am free and own a home. My life is relatively pain free and I am not worried about invasions or extreme poverty. I have a family who loves me and a son whom I love beyond my wildest dreams. How incredibly blessed I am. And I owe a great debt of gratitude to all soldiers of all eras who have ever put their lives in danger for a cause they believed in. For their families...their children, husbands, and wives. They are true heroes and I want to find a way to help those who come home....those who come home wounded in many ways, many of them not physically visible. These people have something inside of them that I apparently don't and I love them for it. God bless them.

Prayer

So, I have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to put a picture of praying hands on this blog from the web. It has become apparent that I am really stupid because I still do not know how, so I decided to put my big girl panties on and write my thoughts down without t. Because, you see, they are very precious and sweet thoughts about my son Elliott.

Now of course you remember that he is just 19 months old and very...obstinate. And I say this with all the love of my mommy heart. Elliott is sweet, smart, and loving, but he has his own mind and is not afraid to let anyone know it. Which is why prayer time at meals and at bedtime has always been both frustrating and entertaining. However, just the other night, I asked him to put his hands together for prayer and showed him how with my hands. And much to our surprise and delight he held them right together!! Can you imagine the love and pride this little mommy had?? I am pretty sure I clasped my hands and let out a big ole "awwwww." All that cliche stuff. Anyways, back to the point of this post. Prayer.

During sacramet at church on Sunday I asked him to put his hands together again for one of the prayers. He was leaning against my arms and did just what I asked. I couldn't help but peek and look at his tiny baby fingers laced together. Those tiny little indents instead of knuckles. The miniscule nails. It touched my heart so deep. To see these innocent hands folded in prayer. To see this son of mine take another step towards knowing his Savior. I felt a renewed testimony for the power of prayer. Grateful for all the blessings and answers I have ever recieved from talking to my Father in Heaven. I knew that I had to make a committment everyday to strive to be the best Mom ever. To make sure he knows I have a testimony, that he sees me pray and knows how strongly I believe it in.

I want my son to be better than I am.

Grrr

I cannot figure out how to put any other image on here. From the web. As soon as my husband comes home...... I'll get back to the post.

being a good mom

It is hard. I try so much everyday and I still feel like I fail most of the time. How do we know we are giving them everything they need to grow, learn, and love? When I have one of those days where I don't come up with any "educational" activities and I spend most of the day doing laundry and dishes..how do I know i haven't totally held him back?

There are some days where I know that I'm on the right track, but somehow that same feeling can be flushed down the toilet the next day.

Just a mom venting a little.....just a mom getting through a day.....just a mom who loves her child so much she worries too much about messing him up :)

A babbling we will go...

The joys of friday evening. Well, the joys of a parent's friday evening. Cameron and I are currently laying on our bed watching Red Dwarf, too tired to do anything else but veg. Some may say we are boring...others understand we are old married parents ;)

This past week has been an eternity. I can't pin point exactly what has made it seem so outrageously long, but I'm sure some of it has to do with Elliott's crankiness from teething. Throw in my first chiropratic appointment that resulted in the knowledge that my back pretty much sucks and an adjustment that has left me writhing in pain and I've been praying for the weekend. At this moment we have no concrete plans for it, but I personally think that is beautiful. We might go to a pumpkin patch tomorrow and I know a toddler bed and mattress are being brought to us for free. And on that note...can I say how amazing people in this world really are? Everybody is on a budget and I'm so thankful that so many people are willing to help each other with things they might need. A lovely woman is giving us this bed just because she wants someone to be able to get use out of it. I know that that is what I will do with my baby things once we are done having them.

I really think we should do some cleaning this weekend. Cleaning...cleaning...cleaning. Ugh. The very word gives me the creeps. Not that we have a dirty house by any means, but it still needs work. Toys everywhere, a pile of dirty clothes next to the washer...some vacuuming...bathroom cleaning...garage clearing. It is never ending. Why in the world did I want to play house so much when I was a little girl?? Seriously.

But for now, I see Cameron's sly looks at me....hoping I'll get off this thing and give him a cuddle. Better be a good wife ;)

Life is precious

Right now I'm rocking out to Veggie Tales with my boy. Well, technically he is sort of whining, but details...details.
Life has given us a few twists and turn. Good and bad. My best friends sis-in-law recently passed away from cancer. I didn't know her very well personally, but it hit me pretty hard. Which I thought as weird, but maybe it is because I love Beth so much and hate when she is in pain. Either way, I know that she was a person who loved life and her kiddos. I sincerely hope that those around will be able to help her children know her very well as they grow. She was young, so young and I cannot fathom her courage and strength as she came to know that she was going to have to leave her husband and children for a time. I am so blessed. I am here on this Earth and I have my health..I have a husband and a child and hopefully more to come. I am here to watch them grow with me. I love the Lord and all that He has given me.

We got a piano for free! Now, I have no idea how to play and at this point I do not have any musical talent. But, our little boy is a lover of a music. I have never seen such a child. He will dance at the drop a hat, loves to look through the hymn book and pick songs for us to sing to him...and now loves to play the piano. This Sunday during Relief Society at church he was determined to help the pianist play the closing and opening hymns...you could hear his bangs on the piano through the melody. I conduct the music and was having a hard time not laughing at his innocent enthusiasm for helping. What a sweet boy I have.

Slacker....

Hello, my name is Lindsey Rounce and I am a huge slacker. I claim to want to do this blog to preserve memories and such for my posterity but then I don't do it at all. Seriously Lindsey, what is your problem ;)

Now that I have confessed and will hopefully be forgiven..we can move on to the fun stuff. sort of.
We did indeed buy our house. Boy, did we ever. It has been crazy busy...the first week we painted just about every wall in the entire house, including the ceiling. I think it looks absolutely fabulous, now we just need to finish moving stuff in and setting it all up. Oh yeah, and post pictures. did I mention I was a slacker??

Elliott is a fun little squirt. He shall be 17 months old on Friday. How time does fly. He is running, brushing his teeth, trying to put on his own diaper, babbling up a storm, and generally bringing joy into our home. He isn't especially keen on saying words when you want him to. he knows mama and dada. Diggy (doggy), kitty cat, and Jesus. However, he understands so many other ones, he just chooses to not say them. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

I've been weaning off my anxiety meds. That is a barrel of laughs, let me tell you. The first week was pure hell....sorry for my french, but it really was. Took me right back to the post partum depression and I felt like I wasn't going to be able to do it. But, my husband is totally cool and helped me get through it and now I'm hoping to be off them completely in a month or a little more. Depends on what the therapist says. I'm eager to be done with them and to start planning on baby number 2:) Scary huh?

Hmmm....I think I smell a dirty diaper.