Struggling

I haven't been the best Lindsey the last week and a half. I haven't gotten much sleep...not much at all in fact. A week ago I started dropping down on another medication and in 15 days I will be off of it completely. Then I shall have only one more to go.

I would never have thought that this particular battle would be mine. Never would have guessed that waiting to try for another child would be based on when I would be off medication for postpartum, but there you have it and I have to deal with it someway or another. Sometimes less dealing and more crying....sometimes screaming at the world that it shouldn't have to be this hard. But seriously, what does the world care? I have one child it says, why should I be selfish and try for another one? Why should I even think of doing it again when I know what COULD happen? Why would I want to do that to myself and family again? Why are you so selfish Lindsey?

Perhaps this isn't the world speaking, but my own personal demons. Perhaps I worry what other people think or say about it. Perhaps I am just plain, out and out terrified. I can't pretend that I am not anymore. My heart hurts, my anxiety builds and I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I yearn for another child, I yearn to give Elliott a sibling and friend. It is a strong desire of my heart. However, at the thought of it, my pulse starts picking up and my palms start sweating. It seems silly to those who may have not gone through it, but to me it is very real fear. Words can never ever describe the hell of postpartum. Mine was pretty severe, so perhaps its not always so bad.
What I am struggling with right now is telling myself that I can do this. That I am strong enough and that wanting another child does not make me stupid or selfish. How funny it is when we learn that we are our worst enemy.