The beginning of our Journey

The first time he let me hold him since I'd been in the hospital. Almost 2 weeks in. I could have stayed there forever with him.


Hello all. Yes, yes I am aware of how long I've gone without updating. I have no excuses except that I just suck at blogging. However, recent events have spurred me to begin again. It's kind of crazy to be starting this story when we haven't even announced our bun in the oven on our blog, but what can you do?

Where to start? Where to start? Perhaps that we found out we were pregnant in April of this year, just a little bit after Elliott's second birthday. Both of us were super excited to say the least, but also a bit nervous about entering into that two children under 3 in one househould era of our lives ;) But the thought of bringing another beautiful spirit to the Earth was also wonderous and humbling. I have a strong testimony of my divine role as a mother and everytime I think about how I get to be part of the creation process (THE CREATION PROCESS PEOPLE!!!) it gives me the tingles and I feel very close to the Lord. On the other hand, I was not looking forward to the first trimester one little bit. With Elliott I was horribly sick and they put me on medication so I would stop losing so much weight. This time around I was hoping and praying that it would be better, but as usual this little Lindsey was dead wrong :) I cannot decscribe to you how much worse it was. If you happened to step into my disaster of a house at the time, you would have seen how bad it got. My bathroom and commode became very familiar to me until I was about 20-21 weeks along. Once again, I thought now it was all going to be smooth sailing until the end---wrong wrong wrong.

On September 12, I got up and was leaking a bit. Now, I didn't think much about it because I thought I was just peeing a bit when coughing or sneezing as I had been doing the whole pregnancy. Elliott and I went to music class and had fun singing and dancing--he insisted I get up and down for all the songs....silly boy didn't understand my heaving and huffing. After that we went home for a much needed nap (don't you love naptime) and when we got up we headed out to my parent's place so my mom and I could can some salsa. Busy busy day and throughout it I kept leaking every now and then, at that time it was more annoying to me than alarming.

As Elliott and I were getting ready to head home to Daddy, my mom and dad offered to keep Elliott for the night and the next day as it was our wedding anniversary on the 13th. Now, Elliott has stayed at his grandparents house many times and I usually have no problems leaving him, other than the normal missing him part. But that night, I had this strange reluctance and sadness that came over me when I thought about going home without him. In some strange way, I thought it would be the last time I saw him for awhile. I pushed these feelings away and agreed---I mean who doesn't want a nice date out with their husband on an anniversary without having to worry about childcare? As I was driving home I felt all the misgivings again, but was able to tune them out when I got to Cameron. We cuddled and watched some TV and then headed to bed, both looking forward to our 4 year anniversary the next day!!

Grrrrrrr. This next part is so hard to write and to remember. It feels like I'm reliving it every time it crosses my mind. Part of it still seems like a nightmare that happned to someone else. Phew...

Around 6:15 the next morning I woke up in a puddle. Such a strange sensation and at first I was astounded, wondering if I just full-out peed my pants. Then my heart slowly started to pound and I got up to go to the bathroom and clean up. As I was walking, I kept leaking and then by the time I got into the bathroom there was another puddle. It didn't smell like pee. I have to be honest, right at that moment my mind shut off and I climbed back into bed and curled into a fetal position and tried not to think about it. Something was wrong and I couldn't handle it for a couple minutes. I finally called my OB office as soon as it was open. They called me back quickly and asked how far I was away from them and how quick I could get there...then told me to leave right away. I was only 24 weeks and 5 days. It was not okay, it wasn't normal, and my heart started breaking right then.

To make a long story shorter, I got to the office....was examined and as soon as I saw the doctors face as she was checking me out down there, I broke down and started sobbing. Oh....oh...my baby girl. What was going to happen to her?? To some people, she may not have been considered my daughter yet, but to me she was mine as soon as I saw the pregnancy stick. I felt her kick everyday and listened to her heartbeat. For goodness sakes, I'd seen her on the ultrasound. SHE WAS MINE!!!!!

They hadn't explained to me yet that it was possible to keep her in me if they could get me stable, so right then I thought she was coming right then and her chances were.....not good. I got hold of Cameron and he rushed over from work and as soon as I saw him, we both broke down and clung to each other. How could this be happening to us, to our beautiful child, to our family? Was it even possible that this could be our life now? I love this man. The Lord has blessed me with a kind and loving husband. I couldn't imagine going through this without him. I am grateful everyday that he is not afraid to show how much he loves me and our children, born or in the womb.

Once Cameron got there, they immediately wheeled me over to the hospital and did the triage work and gave us more knowledge about our options and what they could do. We got a ray of hope, we could keep her in the womb growing if I stayed on bedrest in the hospital. Also, if they could keep infection and contractions away. I prayed every second of that day. I begged and pleaded for our daughters life on this Earth. I know that Heavenly Father loves my Annabelle and that she is His daughter too, but I wasn't ready to let her go back to Him yet. She has stuff to do on this Earth!

It has been over two weeks since that morning and day. Annabelle is growing, kicking, and making herself well known. She is now 2 lbs. and I am 27 weeks and 1 day along. Yes, we count every day. It matters. Our first goal is 28 weeks because her chances at that point go up even more! After that we are shooting for 34 weeks as that is as far as they will let me go. It's hard. And every twitch and twinge in my body scares me to death, but I'm trying with all my might to be strong and trust the Lord.

The hardest part of this is being away from my Elliott. A little part of me dies each day that I miss with him. I cannot explain the heartache of knowing that this is the best thing I can be doing for Annabelle, but that it means Elliott has to experience a trial so early in his life. I try not to think that I'm choosing between my children. This is a short time in our families lives and Elliott and Annabelle are both strong spirits and they will get through this and we will be closer than ever.