Birthday Bash!

I love birthdays. I love my birthday. I cannot deny it, it is one day where I love to be spoiled and don't mind being a teeny bit selfish. It is probably because my parents always made my birthday super special or because I hate attention the rest of the year, either way its the best day !!

This year I turned the big 25. Surprisingly it didn't bother me at all. My life is amazing, I have a wonderful family and tons of fun friends. Cameron threw me a surprise party with all of the many people in my life. For once I had no idea what was going on, usually I'm pretty good at figuring stuff out even if I don't want to. When I walked into the room and heard everyone yell surprise I felt so much love. He made it so special with food and table decorations and balloons. Who could ask for more? Then he took my actual birthday day off and spent the day with me and Elliott. Those are the little things that make me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Other than that, we are cheerily (well I am) getting ready for Christmas. I am having a blast buying decorations and trying to figure out where to put them--unfortunately I'm quite indecisive. I am looking forward to the Christmas tree...my fav-oh-right part of it all. The smell is intoxicating. It will be Elliott's first Christmas! I am in awe of how fast the little bugger is growing. Only 4 more months until he is one! How could that be?? He's standing up while holding onto something and starting to make sounds that actually sound like something. His hair is growing even if you can't tell...he's just got super blonde hair. At the moment he is going through a clingy stage and doesn't want to be away from me. I love it and get annoyed by it at the same time. Is that normal?

One of those Days

My spurts of blogging are a little bit ridiculous...eventually I will have some sort of regularity. I have several amazing things to blog about, but I just splashed some toilet bowl cleaner in my eye (OUCH) so my motivation for keeping my eyes open is severely lacking. But then again, do I deserve it for having cleaning sprees at 10:30 at night? I mean really, who does that??

Things are going well, I am salivating for some turkey this week. This gal is all about the potatoes and gravy...forget the sweets, bring on the savory. Okay, I have to go to bed and turn off the Food Network.

You have my word that I will post about my fantastic birthday and my cute baby boy who has perfected his whine :)

Stupid Sinuses

I have been thinking of my sweet son and how precious he is to me.

So I wanted to show him in all his new glory when he was firstborn.

I am still in awe of how beautiful he was, is and will be.

I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog (big frown on my face), but someday my kids hopefully will...or at least care :)

This past week I've been sick with an nasty sinus infection, but my lovely husband has taken time off from work to be here to help take care of Elliott while I get better. What a sweet blessing it is to know that I can be with him forever. Oh, I do love him so.

Strangely enough I am watching You've Got Mail right now and loving it. The innocence of it...the bookstore that I'd die to own.

Yes I know, these are very convoluted ramblings, but my head is stuffy, haven't slept well in days and the meds are a little iffy.

Pictures, pictures and pictures

Bath Time!! He loves it now that he uses the big tub. (Don't ask me why its on its side, blogger won't upload it correctly)


Our little stud muffin



Huh?

Gumming some toast....angrily apparently.

Whoa Mama

He often uses the duck head as a substitute plug...creative fellow.

All dressed up for church

So proud of himself

Thumbs up Ma

Just Chillin

My new goal :)

In the name of posterity I have decided to be much better at posting--so perhaps at a later date I can make this into a book to share with them.

Halloween was a bust. It didn't feel like it and Elliott is a tad young to go trick or treating, so instead we decided to go spend a night with Cameron's parents. They always enjoy time with their adorable grandson--but then again, who doesn't? We only intended to stay for dinner and a little after, they had asked us to stay but Cameron really didn't want to miss church so we headed out. About 10 mintues later, we decided family came first and turned around. Suffice it to say, they were pleased to hold Elliott again. So we had an impromptu sleep over. It was relaxing and slow. I loved watching his grandparents interact with him and get joy out of watching his every little move.

Speaking of our monkey man. He has finally decided to sit up...about time ;) He loves it as long as he is in reach of something that he can quickly shove in his mouth...which is just about everything. He's been quite the cranky little dude with teeth coming in---as for his Mama...she just wishes they would come through already..its been like 2 months.

Our next goal is to actually baby proof our house...or at least make sure the floor is void of naughty things to go in his mouth. Ohhhh, so many things to do and so exhausted. I'm still waiting for my sleep apnea machine so I can stop stop breathing during the night. Apparently that makes for a restless night.

As for now...Cameron is loading dishes in the dishwasher and I am posting while watching re-runs of House. We are such an exciting family.

Ups and Downs

I know I previously posted about the post partum depression and somedays it feels like it is all gone and then there are days like today where my heart races and all I want to do is cry from being exhausted. Truth be told, that could just be normal motherhood (is it?)...but I'm always so scared that it means that something more is wrong with me. I am praying, hoping that some friends of ours will be moving near us so that there will be a kind face and someone to talk to during the day while we let our little ones go at it.
Our life is going fairly well, Elliott is sitting and snorting. He has developed a crooked smile that looks so endearing on his face. One of his fat little cheeks gets all crinkled up. Cameron is awesome as always, taking care of all of us as his work life is being switched upside down. Everyday I pray that he will lean on me as much as I lean on him.

In Awe

I would just like to quickly say thank you for the touching comments. It really helps to know people listen. It was hard to write and I was doing it hopefully to help others. Bless all you mothers of all kinds. I've learned its the hardest job---kudos to us :)

Elliott July and August Part 1

LIfe goes on...

I used to be so good at keeping up with journals and whatnot. After college I think I went on a writing strike because I was so tired of it, now that has cursed me. Now I have to force myself to put my thoughts down, which is probably why I am crazier now than I was then. It is all inside of me and keeps me up all hours of the night, which makes being Elliott's mommy a tad bit harder. However, this time there has been a particular reason for my long absence. I'm going to say the dreaded words and hope my pain is of some use to otheres.

Post Partum Depression

4 1/2 months ago I became a statistic. It hit hard, fast, and knocked me flat on my cushy butt. Surprisingly I never expected it and the sheer severity of it had me crawling on my knees to get through each minute.

When Elliott was born I was in this trance. I couldn't comprehend what had just happened. This beautiful new spirit was laying all gooey and wet on my stomach and all I could do was cry and stroke his soft head. My wonderful husband fell in love at first sight, holding that baby so close to his heart not wanting to ever let go. It is only now, after I have gotten through the crisis period that I look back at that moment and feel the overwhelming love for him.

The first week home was a blur. So many appointments for our jaundiced little guy. Not a moment to rest and let it all set in. I began crying and I literally couldn't stop. I'd tell Cameron that I needed to go the bathroom and I'd walk in our room and crawl into bed and bawl and scream. No matter how many times I told my mind that it was going to be okay---the pain and mind numbing anxiety refused to go away. As the days went on it got worse. I began to have panic attacks every couple of minutes. I couldn't look at my precious son without having one. Even now it makes me cry, how I failed him in those moments. But I couldn't help it. I have never felt so alone and so scared in my whole life. With all my heart I believed there was no hope and that it would never get better, that I would feel this awful for the rest of my life. My crowning moment was when my mom came to help take care of Elliott when Cameron had to go back to work. She told me to go take a shower and I slowly got in and then I fell to the ground in the shower and screamed and cried harder than I have ever cried. I begged the Lord to take this from me, I told Him I couldn't do it anymore. My mom came in and asked if I wanted her to hold me. I told her I'd be okay and she went to get Elliott. I kept crying and finally told the Lord it was all in his hands, this was the hardest thing I would have to do and I couldn't do it without him.

Fast forward a bit and I began seeing a therapist who told me I wasn't crazy and that I would be okay. I'm still seeing her and am medicated for anxiety and ppd and hoping that eventually I will be weaned off of both of them. For now, I am so grateful for doctors and family and husbands who stand by your side through it all. There are still some days where I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, but I figure thats just plain motherhood.

My son Elliott is everything to me. Everyday I fall in love with him a little bit more. He is beautiful, stubborn, and extremely vocal and mobile. Even though thinking about those months brings back terrifying thoughts and tears, I would do it all again to have him. I'd suffer over and over again if that is what it took.