Striving, searching...yearning

Do you ever feel sad? And not just any kind of sad, but a sad you can't find a reason for. A sad that defies logic. A sad that has you crying over your laptop while reading a lovely blog about a wonderful woman and her incredible husband and kids?

It is entirely possible that I am crazy. Or exhausted. Or lost.

My money is on lost. It's a good bet and I don't have a lot of money, so it works out.

I am not sure who or where Lindsey is anymore. The girl I think back on, even to a couple years ago is absent from this life.

I miss her. I miss me. I miss dates and being good at something. I miss feeling beautiful....well, more like pretty.

I miss not being afraid of failing at everything.

I miss having a life without anxiety and PTSD.

I miss being genuinely happy almost all of the time without reason.

Where is she? And more importantly, when exactly did I lose her? I can't pinpoint a time or place, but slowly she disappeared. And in her place is this woman who hates waking up in the morning, who cleans begrudgingly, who yearns desperately for something that is just hers! I don't think that I like this version of me.

But I am so afraid of not being good enough. I am crippled by my lack of confidence in who or what I could be, or even more, what I should be. All I can seem to think of is how I am going to fail.

This is not Lindsey. Not who I remember being.

Where is she?