Beautiful Perspective

It came to my attention through a beautiful and loving letter from my mother in law that my last post was a bit...disconcerting to others. She is an amazing woman (my mil) and she wrote me a heart wrenching note that spoke to how much I have forgotten myself as a woman and how often I forget that people truly care about me. Her words and love opened my eyes and helped me to step back and gain some beautiful perspective.




In reading the letter, I saw myself in a different light. Or rather, I saw myself for the first time in over a year. I caught a glimpse of a strong and confident woman and then I could see the path that led me to the lost and lonely woman I am today.




Clear as mud eh? No worries, I'll explain. In high school and college I was for the most part confident and action oriented. I loved trying new things and stretching myself to the limits. I thrived on signing up for zero hour classes in high school because I wanted to take a harder class than those offered during the regular school hours. That was exciting to me and crazy cakes to my dear husband. Hehe. Learning was and still is really fun for me. No, not kidding. I don't particularly appreciate the homework that comes with classes, but knowledge is my drug of choice. College was heaven for the most part, though I wish now that I had taken more time to explore different classes just for the heck of it. I was so focused on my major that I didn't give myself much leeway in scheduling. Anyway, my point is that I knew who I was and was happy, strong, and well-balanced.


Me in college at Cameron's college graduation party. I still had two years left...oh and look at that pre-baby body!

Then came motherhood. Oh, sweet motherhood. More specifically Annabelle. I am well aware that I have not done the review of the year after Annabelle's birth, but I'll give a few highlights to get us through this post.

When I had to go on hospital bed rest with Annabelle's pregnancy, I have never been so terrified in all of my life. I knew being a parent was going to be hard, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that it would be this horrendous. I never thought I would seriously worry about the survival of one my children barely before they got a chance to live. I also did not picture it involving me being away from my two year old son for 7 weeks. Good God, I can't even type these words without my breath catching, my stomach clenching, and my heart breaking again and again. At the time it seemed truly impossible that I could survive this. I remember not being able to Skype with my son one morning because he had learned new words and I was curling up in a fetal position on the hospital bed sobbing because I was missing it all and he didn't understand why Mommy wouldn't come home. I had to be there to keep Annabelle safe, but in doing that I was traumatizing my other child. How do you rationalize this?

It got worse when she was born 2 months early (at least it was better than the 4 months they thought she would be) and couldn't breathe at birth. That image and memory is a Pandora's box of emotions that I won't open today, but suffice it to say that it is forever etched in my brain and heart. She ended up staying in the NICU for 5 1/2 weeks, going in and out of isolation. Because of remodeling we couldn't stay at night with her for the most part. So, I went to the hospital everyday with my son and stayed for as long as I could before Elliott got hysterical at being at the hospital again. Crazy enough the floor I was on for bed rest is the same floor as the NICU. So every time I went through those locked doors to the NICU and left my son out in the waiting room with my mom he would scream so loud I could hear his sobs all the way down the hall. He was so afraid that I would stay there and leave him again. I am sobbing right now typing this. It aches and I'm not sure that my heart will ever be completely healed.

During this time I don't know how I functioned, but I did. However, when she was brought home I was terrified that something would happen to her. I felt that if I left her that I would come back and she wouldn't be alive.

 Honesty is crushingly painful.

 On top of that, I had so much guilt over being away from Elliott that I couldn't bear to leave him either. I had to keep them close, I had to! So I didn't really go out or do anything for myself. And this cycle just kept going and going until even now when she is healthy and sassy as can be, and Elliott is strong and confident of my love, I am stuck in this rut of not knowing where the balance of my motherhood and womanhood should be. Thus, my last post.

Now that I see this, I have to change it. I will always be a mother now, for eternity I will claim that revered title honorably and gratefully. However, I can be a woman too. I can be the Lindsey who loves to learn and not just the cleaning lady in our home :) I will be the Lindsey who delights in nature and finds solace in soft warm sand and the light peeking through the trees. If I do nothing, my soul will starve and my ability to be the best mother to my children (which is all I truly want) will erode until I am no good to them. It will be a cold day in that one place before I let that happen to my family.

So, here I am today. Putting this out there in the world so that there is some measure of accountability in my head. I will make time to feed my womanhood. I will perhaps learn Latin like I've dreamed of. Or maybe take that martial arts course I yearn for. Or even better yet, volunteer with foster children because someday some of them will become part of our family. I will have a girls night and laugh when we end up talking about poop and sleepless nights. Hike, ride my bike, rock out to Matchbox Twenty, and live right now.