I know I previously posted about the post partum depression and somedays it feels like it is all gone and then there are days like today where my heart races and all I want to do is cry from being exhausted. Truth be told, that could just be normal motherhood (is it?)...but I'm always so scared that it means that something more is wrong with me. I am praying, hoping that some friends of ours will be moving near us so that there will be a kind face and someone to talk to during the day while we let our little ones go at it.
Our life is going fairly well, Elliott is sitting and snorting. He has developed a crooked smile that looks so endearing on his face. One of his fat little cheeks gets all crinkled up. Cameron is awesome as always, taking care of all of us as his work life is being switched upside down. Everyday I pray that he will lean on me as much as I lean on him.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
In Awe
I would just like to quickly say thank you for the touching comments. It really helps to know people listen. It was hard to write and I was doing it hopefully to help others. Bless all you mothers of all kinds. I've learned its the hardest job---kudos to us :)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
LIfe goes on...
I used to be so good at keeping up with journals and whatnot. After college I think I went on a writing strike because I was so tired of it, now that has cursed me. Now I have to force myself to put my thoughts down, which is probably why I am crazier now than I was then. It is all inside of me and keeps me up all hours of the night, which makes being Elliott's mommy a tad bit harder. However, this time there has been a particular reason for my long absence. I'm going to say the dreaded words and hope my pain is of some use to otheres.
Post Partum Depression
4 1/2 months ago I became a statistic. It hit hard, fast, and knocked me flat on my cushy butt. Surprisingly I never expected it and the sheer severity of it had me crawling on my knees to get through each minute.
When Elliott was born I was in this trance. I couldn't comprehend what had just happened. This beautiful new spirit was laying all gooey and wet on my stomach and all I could do was cry and stroke his soft head. My wonderful husband fell in love at first sight, holding that baby so close to his heart not wanting to ever let go. It is only now, after I have gotten through the crisis period that I look back at that moment and feel the overwhelming love for him.
The first week home was a blur. So many appointments for our jaundiced little guy. Not a moment to rest and let it all set in. I began crying and I literally couldn't stop. I'd tell Cameron that I needed to go the bathroom and I'd walk in our room and crawl into bed and bawl and scream. No matter how many times I told my mind that it was going to be okay---the pain and mind numbing anxiety refused to go away. As the days went on it got worse. I began to have panic attacks every couple of minutes. I couldn't look at my precious son without having one. Even now it makes me cry, how I failed him in those moments. But I couldn't help it. I have never felt so alone and so scared in my whole life. With all my heart I believed there was no hope and that it would never get better, that I would feel this awful for the rest of my life. My crowning moment was when my mom came to help take care of Elliott when Cameron had to go back to work. She told me to go take a shower and I slowly got in and then I fell to the ground in the shower and screamed and cried harder than I have ever cried. I begged the Lord to take this from me, I told Him I couldn't do it anymore. My mom came in and asked if I wanted her to hold me. I told her I'd be okay and she went to get Elliott. I kept crying and finally told the Lord it was all in his hands, this was the hardest thing I would have to do and I couldn't do it without him.
Fast forward a bit and I began seeing a therapist who told me I wasn't crazy and that I would be okay. I'm still seeing her and am medicated for anxiety and ppd and hoping that eventually I will be weaned off of both of them. For now, I am so grateful for doctors and family and husbands who stand by your side through it all. There are still some days where I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, but I figure thats just plain motherhood.
My son Elliott is everything to me. Everyday I fall in love with him a little bit more. He is beautiful, stubborn, and extremely vocal and mobile. Even though thinking about those months brings back terrifying thoughts and tears, I would do it all again to have him. I'd suffer over and over again if that is what it took.
Post Partum Depression
4 1/2 months ago I became a statistic. It hit hard, fast, and knocked me flat on my cushy butt. Surprisingly I never expected it and the sheer severity of it had me crawling on my knees to get through each minute.
When Elliott was born I was in this trance. I couldn't comprehend what had just happened. This beautiful new spirit was laying all gooey and wet on my stomach and all I could do was cry and stroke his soft head. My wonderful husband fell in love at first sight, holding that baby so close to his heart not wanting to ever let go. It is only now, after I have gotten through the crisis period that I look back at that moment and feel the overwhelming love for him.
The first week home was a blur. So many appointments for our jaundiced little guy. Not a moment to rest and let it all set in. I began crying and I literally couldn't stop. I'd tell Cameron that I needed to go the bathroom and I'd walk in our room and crawl into bed and bawl and scream. No matter how many times I told my mind that it was going to be okay---the pain and mind numbing anxiety refused to go away. As the days went on it got worse. I began to have panic attacks every couple of minutes. I couldn't look at my precious son without having one. Even now it makes me cry, how I failed him in those moments. But I couldn't help it. I have never felt so alone and so scared in my whole life. With all my heart I believed there was no hope and that it would never get better, that I would feel this awful for the rest of my life. My crowning moment was when my mom came to help take care of Elliott when Cameron had to go back to work. She told me to go take a shower and I slowly got in and then I fell to the ground in the shower and screamed and cried harder than I have ever cried. I begged the Lord to take this from me, I told Him I couldn't do it anymore. My mom came in and asked if I wanted her to hold me. I told her I'd be okay and she went to get Elliott. I kept crying and finally told the Lord it was all in his hands, this was the hardest thing I would have to do and I couldn't do it without him.
Fast forward a bit and I began seeing a therapist who told me I wasn't crazy and that I would be okay. I'm still seeing her and am medicated for anxiety and ppd and hoping that eventually I will be weaned off of both of them. For now, I am so grateful for doctors and family and husbands who stand by your side through it all. There are still some days where I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, but I figure thats just plain motherhood.
My son Elliott is everything to me. Everyday I fall in love with him a little bit more. He is beautiful, stubborn, and extremely vocal and mobile. Even though thinking about those months brings back terrifying thoughts and tears, I would do it all again to have him. I'd suffer over and over again if that is what it took.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Ode to Cameron
I have been MIA for quite some time. Pretty much since I had little Elliott. Cameron updated after the birth and kept everyone informed and so much more...so this post is all for him.
He stayed by my side the whole time I was in labor and is so in love with our son he didn't want to let anyone else hold him after he got him for the first time.
He slept on an awful couch bed thing for two nights and held our son as I healed.
He held me everytime I broke down in tears for the next couple of weeks (and it was A LOT)
He took care of Elliott all day when I was having my panic attacks and couldn't function.
He told me all day that he loved me and that I was a great mom and would get through this.
He helped give me a blessing.
He called the doctors for me and went with me to the therapist.
He now does night duty so that I can get some sleep until I feel more like myself.
He is Cameron.
I love him more than I thought was possible. Our family is so blessed to have him.
He stayed by my side the whole time I was in labor and is so in love with our son he didn't want to let anyone else hold him after he got him for the first time.
He slept on an awful couch bed thing for two nights and held our son as I healed.
He held me everytime I broke down in tears for the next couple of weeks (and it was A LOT)
He took care of Elliott all day when I was having my panic attacks and couldn't function.
He told me all day that he loved me and that I was a great mom and would get through this.
He helped give me a blessing.
He called the doctors for me and went with me to the therapist.
He now does night duty so that I can get some sleep until I feel more like myself.
He is Cameron.
I love him more than I thought was possible. Our family is so blessed to have him.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Home at last!
We got home this afternoon around 1PM and my it feels so nice after being gone for 2 and a half days. We are back with baby Elliott and he and Lindsey are currently sleeping. Kathy, Tim, Michael and Casey are all here, and Jeff is coming up for Easter Dinner tonight. Its going to be a great Easter, Thank you Lord for Elliott!!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
A few pictures as promised
As another day comes to an "end" we managed to get a few pictures up on the blog. Here they are:
These first 2 are from less than an hour old
This one is from today where Elliott is less than 18 hours old
These first 2 are from less than an hour old
This one is from today where Elliott is less than 18 hours old
And the baby is born....
Well at 10:2o PM on April 10th Elliott Michael Rounce made his way into this world. He came in weighing 7lbs and 13oz length of 20 inches. We are both very proud parents, and both were tearing up holding little Elliott. Lindsey did fantastic in pushing Elliott out, she took an epidural, and pitosin, which resulted in pushing 8:20PM then shazam 2 hours later Elliott came out, and it was the most amazing miracle i have ever seen. We will post pictures when we get home. I forgot the memory card dealy for the camera.
We are definatly happy parents.
We are definatly happy parents.
Friday, April 10, 2009
In the Hospital finally
4th time is a charm, we have finally been admitted to the hospital. She is 4cm now and the doctor broke her bag, that was the weirdest sound and for what she says weirdest feeling too. Hopefully at this point its hours until Elliott enters the world. The doctor says he could be 7.5 - 8.5 lbs which brings more to the knowing that it would have been even more not pleasent if he went full term. We are tired and Lindsey's been laboring hard since Tuesday,
Recap of last few days:
Sunday Contractions started
Monday Contractions continued but were 16minutes apart
Tuesday Contractions continued to 5 minutes apart, and went to hospital for the first time at 2AM Wednesday Sent home
Wednesday Contractions still went to hospital sent home but 90% a face was given Ambien so Lindsey who could sleep, she slept 7 hours, he did 10 hours
Thursday Went in at 10:30PM sent home again given morphine at this time to sleep, but Lindsey slept none, I slept 5 hours then we came in at 5AM and finally got admitted.
Now you all know what transpired. Will post more when Elliott is born. Hopefully soon.
Recap of last few days:
Sunday Contractions started
Monday Contractions continued but were 16minutes apart
Tuesday Contractions continued to 5 minutes apart, and went to hospital for the first time at 2AM Wednesday Sent home
Wednesday Contractions still went to hospital sent home but 90% a face was given Ambien so Lindsey who could sleep, she slept 7 hours, he did 10 hours
Thursday Went in at 10:30PM sent home again given morphine at this time to sleep, but Lindsey slept none, I slept 5 hours then we came in at 5AM and finally got admitted.
Now you all know what transpired. Will post more when Elliott is born. Hopefully soon.
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