Running away

As I child, I can't remember ever wanting to run away. Home always seemed better to me; it seems as if I was a homebody even then. However, today....ohhh today I want to run away and cry cry cry. Cry big fat tears. Big, fat, messy, and gross tears that make me feel even more ugly and fat than I already do. How is that for honesty? Brutal.

I don't even know what it is about today that has me down and out. Well, I sort of do. It is the yelling I did today. The temper tantrums that were thrown and the way it makes me feel like a horrible mom. And then I feel like a horrible person and a horrible everything! Yes, this post is so eloquent isn't it? Am I cut out for being a mother?!? I apologized to Elliott three times today for yelling at him. This last time was right before bed and we were cleaning up his bedroom. He was being a almost 4 year old boy and tossing his legos into the container. One of them hit me in the head and it was the tipping point. I lost it. I yelled and cried. Then I ordered him onto his bed and finished cleaning by myself while he was crying holding his teddy. Yes, it was as bad as it sounds. I kept muttering to myself and telling him no every time he asked for a toy in his bed. I was just getting more and more upset and exhausted. You know what I mean?? Where you just feel like you can't clean up one more thing, can't do one more dish, one more load of laundry, one more anything.

After his room was clean, I climbed into his bed and held him and said, "I'm so sorry Elliott, I'm so sorry for yelling." He immediately stopped crying and relaxed into me. Then I felt even worse. This beautiful boy has complete trust in me and sometimes I shudder at how much I feel like I'm failing him and his sister. I asked him if we could have a prayer to help us both feel better and he said okay. I prayed and started crying and said I was so sorry for yelling and scaring Elliott and in the middle of the prayer, happy as can be, he said, "It's okay Mom."

I don't understand what I did to deserve these children. And then I don't understand why some days all I want to do is run away from them. What is wrong with me?!? I love Elliott and Annabelle with my whole being....sometimes I feel it so much it physically hurts. I lay awake at night and think of all the things I could be doing better and worry about them every second of the day. Why can't I be as good as I want to be? Or as good as I thought I would be as a mother? Right now, I would love to talk to Her. Our Heavenly Mother. I'm sad and lonely and completely in love with my children.